In my 26 years as a divorce attorney, and especially the last dozen years that I have been a divorce mediator, a phrase I have heard very often when I get up on my soapbox about Peaceful Divorce is, “but you don’t know my ex!” or “it’s not possible to have a peaceful divorce in my situation”. Not so. You CAN learn how to get a divorce the peaceful way, whether your spouse or ex is on board right now or not.

Now that may not be what you want to hear because what it does is place the responsibility for your life right back where it belongs, with you. Believe me, a lot of the resistance you are feeling when you think of changing your story about your relationship with your spouse or ex is for this very reason!

Nonetheless, this is the way life works. You are creating your life by the primary thoughts you are thinking, and the feelings you are feeling through the universal law of attraction. Divorce doesn’t exempt you from the laws of life! You are creating your reality! The time to own it is now!

That’s good news! Isn’t it a relief? Isn’t it empowering to understand that you have the power to change your relationship with your spouse or ex by changing your attitude, and when that changes, everything changes?

But I’ve tried that, you say! It doesn’t work! Oh yes it does. You must be consistent, and persistent. Are you holding the vision of the relationship you would like with your spouse or ex? What does it look like? Hold that vision consistently, and patiently, and it will begin to materialize before your very eyes. You know that what you focus on expands! What do you want your divorce to look like? Your life afterwards? What are you focusing on? What you want, or what you don’t want?

Are you focusing on what is right with your spouse or ex instead of what is wrong? Are you making a concerted effort to remember the qualities you respected and admired when you married this person and perhaps had children with them?

Going through divorce is like driving a car. Are you looking through the windshield, toward where you are going, or through the rear view mirror, stuck in the past? Be proactive in creating the vision of what you want it all to look like and consistently hold that vision. What vision are you holding? Is it of a peaceful divorce? Is it of a respectful, effective co-parenting relationship with your spouse or ex? Is it of healthy, happy children and meaningful future relationships for yourself?

Don’t give up! Hold the vision of what you want, not what you don’t want! You will move in the direction you are looking and before you know it, you will have created a peaceful divorce, and the pathway to being happily divorced, if that is what you truly desire.

Tags: divorce lawyer, child custody

When parents get a divorce, especially if there is a battle, it is almost always very traumatic for the children involved. The effects of divorce on a child will depend on the gender, age and developmental stage of the child, and how bitter the fight between their parents is. Each year, over a million children in America feel the affects of their parents’ divorce.

Studies indicate that whenever parents go through a divorce, children fear the change they will face. Children often have a fear of normal change, let alone the change of their parents divorcing. Children of divorce quickly realize that from here on out, things will never be the same. It goes beyond Dad and Mom not being around all the time. They can also lose contact with extended family on either parent’s side. School, mealtime and bedtime routines change. Everything seems to be in a constant state of turmoil.

The effects of divorce on children go beyond their daily routine. They can easily develop a fear of being abandoned. When Dad and Mom are considering separation or already separated, children have a rational fear of losing one parent or another. This fear is exaggerated when their parents are fighting, especially if they perceive that they are fighting over them.

The effects of divorce on children, especially when there is intense conlict between their parents, can also lead a child to be hyperactive, suffer from some sort of impulsive disorder or become aggressive. It has been shown that a contested divorce battle can minimize a child’s ability to handle difficult and even simple difficulties in life.

Depending on the child’s maturity and personality, these effects of divorce on a child can be long lasting. Children of divorce often grieve as they would if they were mourning the loss of a loved one. Their parents cooperation with each other, and presentation of a united front for their children can substantially minimize some of these adverse effects.

Parents Can Make A Difference in Divorce Effects On Child 

Children of divorce can feel that they have no sense of belonging, unless their parents make a concerted effort to work together to minimize the impact of the divorce on their children. The children can survive, and even thrive if their parents use good judgment, and allow and encourage the children’s positive, loving feelings about the other parent.

Parents can help their children to see that, instead of feeling like their home is broken, they now have two homes. It is becoming more common for children to spend equal time with both parents, whereas before, they would pack up some of their belongings for the weekend and head over to the other parent’s house. Now, children can feel a sense of belonging in both parent’s households and maintain toys, clothes, etc. at both households.

It is important to remember that divorce may seem to only affect the parents, but after a closer look, it is easy to see the effect of divorce on children. The children will follow their parent’s lead on this. If the parents take a mature, positive approach to the change that divorce brings, any negative impact of the divorce itself on the children will be greatly minimized. In fact, if the parents focus on the positive changes, their children will, too.

I just got through reading an article about a divorce custody fight, in one of the major local papers down here in South Florida. Even for a seasoned divorce lawyer turned divorce mediator, such as myself, it made me sick to see what can happen when the divorce process spins out of control.

In this divorce case, each of the parties hired the highest-powered, gun-slinging divorce lawyers that money could buy. The problem was, as it often is, that one of these people had a whole lot more money than the other. A divorce agreement, made between these parties after they got married, in the event they ever got divorced, stacked the deck against one of the parents.

For years they fought it out, up and down the court system, spending hundreds of thousands of dollars on legal fees.

The end result was that one of these parents had to pay the other parent so much money, as decided by the divorce court, that they actually became a fugitive from justice, totally preventing them from seeing their children! If they show their face, they will be thrown into jail.

Who is going to suffer here? Sure, one of these parents has been a winner, and one has been a loser in this divorce child custody fight. But any kid who can’t even see one of their parents because of a bitter divorce custody battle is the real loser.

I can’t help but wonder how different this family’s lives would look today if they used divorce mediation to resolve their legal problems, instead of the legal divorce process, which pits them against each other from the start. I’ll bet it would look a whole lot different.

Divorce mediation, also known as family mediation, is a relatively new phenomenon. It is an alternative to litigation that should be considered even before a divorce case is filed. Family mediation is a process in which divorcing spouses negotiate an acceptable divorce agreement with the help of a neutral third party — the Mediator. Mediation can help define the terms of the separation and is instrumental in developing interim agreements about finances, children, and living space.

People who are not familiar with the process, often have erroneous notions about what the process of divorce mediation is all about. Divorce mediation is alternative dispute resolution, not to be confused with marriage counseling; it is an alternative to fighting in court with your spouse through attorneys. Divorce mediation is probably the largest area of mediation practice at this time.

Child Visitation Issues

Frequently at stake are matters involving children, property, and finances, among other things. One issue often dealt with during mediation is child visitation. Child visitation laws are an integral part of the divorce process.

Child visitation is viewed as shared parenting time and is designed to optimize both parents’ time with the child. There are many ways to arrange a child visitation schedule. It is of paramount importance to consider how the child visitation will affect parties other than the parents, such as, grandparents, stepparents, and caretakers.

Divorce and Finances

Another important issue that is discussed in mediation is the issue of divorce finances. Finances are one of the leading points of contention in many marriages. This can often happen in families where one spouse controls the finances and gives the other spouse an “allowance”. The weaker party must have the willingness and ability to learn about finances. During the mediation, you will develop options for dividing assets and organizing finances.

Mediation is an affordable alternative to litigation that allows you to take control of your legal dispute without losing control of your finances.

Family mediation is less costly in time, money and emotional stress than litigation through the Courts. Unlike divorce litigation, divorce mediation is non-adversarial, designed to eliminate the win/lose atmosphere. It is a kinder and fairer way to divorce, helping parties obtain a divorce while maintaining their dignity and respect for each other. Divorce mediation is a way, perhaps the best way, to minimize both the emotional and financial impact of divorce.

Modern couples are using divorce mediation in increasing numbers, as they recognize that it is important to minimize the trauma of divorce for their own, and their children’s, well-being. Divorce mediation can result in winners all around, while divorce litigation usually results in everybody losing, one way or the other.