When parents get a divorce, especially if there is a battle, it is almost always very traumatic for the children involved. The effects of divorce on a child will depend on the gender, age and developmental stage of the child, and how bitter the fight between their parents is. Each year, over a million children in America feel the affects of their parents’ divorce.

Studies indicate that whenever parents go through a divorce, children fear the change they will face. Children often have a fear of normal change, let alone the change of their parents divorcing. Children of divorce quickly realize that from here on out, things will never be the same. It goes beyond Dad and Mom not being around all the time. They can also lose contact with extended family on either parent’s side. School, mealtime and bedtime routines change. Everything seems to be in a constant state of turmoil.

The effects of divorce on children go beyond their daily routine. They can easily develop a fear of being abandoned. When Dad and Mom are considering separation or already separated, children have a rational fear of losing one parent or another. This fear is exaggerated when their parents are fighting, especially if they perceive that they are fighting over them.

The effects of divorce on children, especially when there is intense conlict between their parents, can also lead a child to be hyperactive, suffer from some sort of impulsive disorder or become aggressive. It has been shown that a contested divorce battle can minimize a child’s ability to handle difficult and even simple difficulties in life.

Depending on the child’s maturity and personality, these effects of divorce on a child can be long lasting. Children of divorce often grieve as they would if they were mourning the loss of a loved one. Their parents cooperation with each other, and presentation of a united front for their children can substantially minimize some of these adverse effects.

Parents Can Make A Difference in Divorce Effects On Child 

Children of divorce can feel that they have no sense of belonging, unless their parents make a concerted effort to work together to minimize the impact of the divorce on their children. The children can survive, and even thrive if their parents use good judgment, and allow and encourage the children’s positive, loving feelings about the other parent.

Parents can help their children to see that, instead of feeling like their home is broken, they now have two homes. It is becoming more common for children to spend equal time with both parents, whereas before, they would pack up some of their belongings for the weekend and head over to the other parent’s house. Now, children can feel a sense of belonging in both parent’s households and maintain toys, clothes, etc. at both households.

It is important to remember that divorce may seem to only affect the parents, but after a closer look, it is easy to see the effect of divorce on children. The children will follow their parent’s lead on this. If the parents take a mature, positive approach to the change that divorce brings, any negative impact of the divorce itself on the children will be greatly minimized. In fact, if the parents focus on the positive changes, their children will, too.

I just got through reading an article about a divorce custody fight, in one of the major local papers down here in South Florida. Even for a seasoned divorce lawyer turned divorce mediator, such as myself, it made me sick to see what can happen when the divorce process spins out of control.

In this divorce case, each of the parties hired the highest-powered, gun-slinging divorce lawyers that money could buy. The problem was, as it often is, that one of these people had a whole lot more money than the other. A divorce agreement, made between these parties after they got married, in the event they ever got divorced, stacked the deck against one of the parents.

For years they fought it out, up and down the court system, spending hundreds of thousands of dollars on legal fees.

The end result was that one of these parents had to pay the other parent so much money, as decided by the divorce court, that they actually became a fugitive from justice, totally preventing them from seeing their children! If they show their face, they will be thrown into jail.

Who is going to suffer here? Sure, one of these parents has been a winner, and one has been a loser in this divorce child custody fight. But any kid who can’t even see one of their parents because of a bitter divorce custody battle is the real loser.

I can’t help but wonder how different this family’s lives would look today if they used divorce mediation to resolve their legal problems, instead of the legal divorce process, which pits them against each other from the start. I’ll bet it would look a whole lot different.

How long have you been fighting with your ex? Do you realize that when we fight we are acting like children? I’m right, no, I’m right. Isn’t it time for you to try something different? A new way for you and your ex to resolve disputes?

Well, there is a way to resolve disputes and reach a divorce agreement. Try divorce mediation.

You, and, more importantly, your kids, can’t afford for you to act like children. They need you as parents. They are scared about the uncertainty of the future. You have to pull it together and WORK together as a team to continue raising your kids. Together. Now more than ever.

So, for goodness’ sakes, stop fighting already. It’s not all so important. Your children are.

How are you getting along with your co-parent? Not so great? Well, its time to put down the magnifying glass, and pick up the mirror!

It’s simple to have an uncontested divorce, and to minimize the damage of the divorce process on your relationship with your co-parent. Here’s one way to get it on track. Ask yourself this question:

When was the last time you said “Thank You” to your co-parent? For being interested in seeing the children? For paying their child support? For anything at all?

Isn’t it just possible that you will get more of what you want, if you look for the positive, rather than what’s wrong, what’s missing, and ACKNOWLEDGE your co-parent for it? How different would your relationship be if you did this at the beginning of every conversation with them?

It’s your JOB to get along with your co-parent. It’s the LAW. Most importantly, it’s what’s BEST for your children’s mental, emotional, psychological and, yes, their medical well-being. We all know what stress does to us, don’t we?

So, save yourself a bunch of money on divorce lawyers, and give your family a break. The next time you see or speak with your co-parent, how about digging deep and finding something positive to say, something to thank them for? It’s EASY once you remember - it’s for the KIDS!

Try this effective method for breaking the cycle of conflict with your co-parent:

One evening each week, at a pre-designated. mutually agreed upon time, have a “Positive Co-Parenting Phone Call”. This is where one co-parent calls the other for the sole purpose of imparting some positive information regarding the children. Then the other parent gives some positive information about the children to the other parent. The next week, the other parent initiates the call.

A simple phone call to discuss something positive about your children. That’s it. Nothing else. It can be about anything at all. The only rule is that it must be positive. No problems or issues are to be discussed.

This technique will help you to change your paradigm regarding speaking with your co-parent as negative, and always about problems. You may find that you begin to actually look forward to these calls!

Remember, your children will be the beneficiaries of your improved relationship. Baby steps!!

One thing you always want to remember when interacting with your former spouse or co-parent is that there was a time when you cared for and respected this person. Try your hardest to draw on those positive feelings when creating your new and improved relationship with your co-parent.

Also, remember that this person is a “lifer” to you. That is, that they are probably going to be around for a long time, not just until your children reach the age of majority. You will be (hopefully) attending graduations, weddings and births, and other special events in your children’s lives. Isn’t it worth it to bury the hatchet? For your kids?

One of the biggest challenges to divorcing and divorced families is effectively co-parenting their children together. Usually, during these times, the communication is not at its best, and the parents have to make an extra special effort to work together for the benefit of their children.

One helpful tip is to always remember that your children love both of you, and it means everything to them to see that you are getting along. Children often feel guilty and responsible for a divorce, so the very best gift you can give them is to treat your co-parent with respect and dignity.

Every parent knows that a critical component in raising psychologically healthy children is for the parents to present a united front to their children. If they don’t, the children may play one parent against another in order to get their way. This is never so true as when the parents are getting a divorce, or are already divorced.