Do you have any idea what a celebrity divorce costs?  I’m talking about those divorces where the celebrity couple decided to battle it out instead of getting a peaceful divorce!

Check out these numbers - in the McCartney divorce it was reported that Heather Mills ended up over $3million in debt for her legal bills in her divorce battle with Paul McCartney and had to sell her home to pay off her lawyers!  David Hasselhoff’s legal fees in his divorce were reputed to be over $1million!  Hulk Hogan’s divorce has really gotten ugly, and goodness knows how much the nasty Christy Brinkley divorce will end up costing!

But why should you care what the celebs are paying for their divorces?  Because this epidemic of battling with your spouse in divorce court isn’t just reserved for the celebrities…it’s going on every day with every day people!

In the county where I have practiced divorce law for over 25 years, the cost of the average divorce is $60,000 per side!  We’re not talking about what the rich people pay, we’re talking about the average couple. Has the world gone mad?  What’s going on here?

A big part of the problem here is that people usually hire their divorce lawyer when their emotions are running hot.  Their divorce attorney, who is a trained fighter, takes up the cause (and gets paid hundreds of dollars per hour in the process!) and it’s off to court you go!  In other words, the divorcing couple is acting out their last fight, (or what they think is their last fight) in the public arena called divorce court.

It’s important to recognize that the divorce itself is rarely the last fight. When there are children or support involved, the battle can go on and on, long after the divorce itself is over!

Think for a moment about the emotional cost of divorce and combine it with the financial cost.  Slow down, stop reacting… take a moment and think about this.

How much is it worth to you that you would be able to joyfully celebrate your child’s wedding together without feelings of animosity?  How much is it worth to them? Can you put a financial cost on that?

How much is it worth to you to have your children emotionally healthy and not scarred from the anger and bitterness in your divorce?  How much money is that worth to you?

What is it worth to you to know your child will not be sentenced to the responsibility of taking care of you emotionally, and that they can be allowed to be children during and after your divorce?

What’s it worth to give your child a positive view of adulthood?  What is it worth for your child to know that they are free to love both of their parents?

What would you pay to feel very very good about your co-parenting relationship with your ex and to know you are on the same page about your children?

Literally… wouldn’t that be worth a lot of money to you to have all those things?

Unfortunately, if you go through standard litigation, you’ll be paying a lot of money to make sure those things turn out very badly.  For you and your spouse.  For you and your friends and family.  For you and your children.  Listen… you will pay out a lot of money to have everyone suffer and be in far more pain.  Why would you do that?

Let’s think carefully about how to be happily divorced… it saves money, time, energy, love and even saves lives!   You can do it!  You can create a peaceful divorce, and be happily divorced.  Do it for yourself.  Do it for your kids.

Tags: divorce court, co parenting

I recently had a divorce mediation where, as often is the case, I was working with two divorce lawyers and two co-parents who couldn’t stand each other. It literally took me hours to get them into the same room together and, although these parties had many written divorce settlement agreements between them, years later we were still there, fighting over interpretation and compliance.

In speaking with them alone (I sent the lawyers out of the room to do child support and other financial calculations) about their practically non-existant communication in the years since the divorce had become final, I targeted my focus on an area that I had been doing unconsciously for many years. It hit me like a hammer on the head. Of course, it was so simple!

It doesn’t matter how many agreements that parties make with each other, the only way they are going to live up to them is if they want to! Therefore, it is my job to inspire a desire in them to begin to agree with each other, and to work together as a team to raise their kids.

It is my belief that this is one of the primary roles of the mediator. To inspire the desire.

Once that is done, we can roll up our sleeves and help them start to dig through that pile of resentment that is keeping the them from behaving in a way that is best for their children, and also give them a new set of tools to enable them to work together as a team.

Add, as a further incentive, if the divorce mediator needs it, the co-parents can be reminded that it will also vastly improve the quality of their own lives and future relationships, minimize the effects of divorce on children, and their friends and families probably wouldn’t mind it one bit either!

Tags: divorce settlement, divorce court

When you decide to start looking for a divorce attorney, do you think about going to a divorce lawyer who is “Board Certified”? One who has been “certified” by his/her peers as an “expert” who “specializes” in matrimonial law? Well, you may want to re-think that idea if you want a peaceful divorce.

Although it varies from state to state, the general requirements for a divorce lawyer to become a board certified divorce attorney may very well be based upon how much time that lawyer spends in trial. Think about that. Any divorce case that goes to trial means, most likely, that it is not a peaceful divorce. It means that the divorcing couple has spent tens of thousands of dollars in legal fees and close to a year of stress-filled, adversarial interaction with each other. Does that sound like a “peaceful divorce” to you?