I recently had a divorce mediation where, as often is the case, I was working with two divorce lawyers and two co-parents who couldn’t stand each other. It literally took me hours to get them into the same room together and, although these parties had many written divorce settlement agreements between them, years later we were still there, fighting over interpretation and compliance.

In speaking with them alone (I sent the lawyers out of the room to do child support and other financial calculations) about their practically non-existant communication in the years since the divorce had become final, I targeted my focus on an area that I had been doing unconsciously for many years. It hit me like a hammer on the head. Of course, it was so simple!

It doesn’t matter how many agreements that parties make with each other, the only way they are going to live up to them is if they want to! Therefore, it is my job to inspire a desire in them to begin to agree with each other, and to work together as a team to raise their kids.

It is my belief that this is one of the primary roles of the mediator. To inspire the desire.

Once that is done, we can roll up our sleeves and help them start to dig through that pile of resentment that is keeping the them from behaving in a way that is best for their children, and also give them a new set of tools to enable them to work together as a team.

Add, as a further incentive, if the divorce mediator needs it, the co-parents can be reminded that it will also vastly improve the quality of their own lives and future relationships, minimize the effects of divorce on children, and their friends and families probably wouldn’t mind it one bit either!

Tags: divorce court, divorce settlement

Come on, people! You have got to be kidding!

I just read an article about celebrity Ann Heche’s bitter divorce from her husband, Coley Laffoon. They are using up taxpayer’s dollars fighting over furniture.

In a tense, dramatic decision, Ann Heche was allowed to keep her footstool that she had prior to the marriage.

No matter how ridiculous you may think that seems, you can bet your boots that divorce lawyers all over the country, and probably all over the world, are fighting for their clients over things just like that. Issues that insignificant are continually being litigated in divorce court. Worse yet, child custody divorce cases often have battles over items just as trivial!

Okay, everybody, let’s be fair and play nice. And if you can’t be nice (yet) to your ex, at least give us all out here a break, and use divorce mediation if you can’t find a way to share the plates and forks.

We’d all appreciate it - your friends, family, and, if you have them, - especially your kids!

Tags: divorce, visitation

For the life of me, I can’t figure out why anyone would litigate their divorce, when they have the option to mediate. Is it even possible in this day and age, that anyone considering getting a divorce, in the middle of a divorce, or already divorced and still fighting with their ex, hasn’t heard about divorce mediation?

Ask anyone who has been to divorce court how they liked that experience. We know who the only winners are there – the divorce lawyers! But don’t blame them, if you hire them, you know what you are getting. After all, they are trained to fight over things like divorce child custody, alimony and the like!

Do you know that your chances of having a divorce agreement, and an uncontested divorce increase dramatically if you go to divorce mediation instead of divorce court? Why in the world would you roll the dice on a judge’s decision, when you can make the decisions yourselves?

What are you waiting for? Go ahead, try divorce mediation as an alternative dispute resolution between you and your ex. You just may find yourselves getting along better than you have in years. And saving thousands in the process.

Tags: divorce mediation, divorce lawyer

The cause of divorce varies greatly from couple to couple. What may be perceived as the main problem in one marriage may be very different in another. In a troubled marriage, there generally is not one particular reason a marriage fails, but rather a compilation of reasons. Nonetheless, there are some reasons that seem to be more common than others.

One of the most common reasons listed for divorce is irreconcilable differences or, rather, incompatibility. In many states, these reasons for divorce are considered to be “no-fault”.

Among the most common causes for divorce, is poor communication. Often, couples find themselves in a relationship without the skills to properly communicate with each other. Instead of talking about their troubles, they bottle things up inside until it’s just too late.

Another very common cause of divorce is financial problems. When there are financial struggles, unless there is a strong relationship to fall back on, financial troubles can quickly lead an othewise blissful couple straight to divorce court.

Infidelity is another common reason for divorce. Couples often find it hard to reconcile after there has been infidelity in their marriage. Counseling will very often be needed to get the marriage back on track.

At times, there can be a dramatic change in the couple’s priorites. Especially, if the couple married when they were younger, they may find what was important in their early 20’s, now is far less important in their 30’s and 40’s. This can lead to the couple growing apart, rather than together.

Other reasons for divorce can include, substance abuse and addictions, emotional, physical and/or sexual abuse, lack of conflict resolution skills and unmet needs or failed expectations.

In today’s society, there are many causes of divorce. And although there are some fairly common reasons why couples turn to divorce, no one reason proves to be true for every couple. Nor, is there generally just one cause of divorce. More often than not, many factors come into play in a couple turning to divorce.

As I gain in years, I have gotten into the habit of counting my blessings when I first get up, to set the tone for the day, and, basically, because it makes me feel good. One blessing that I always add is the blessing of Divorce Mediation. Not just because it’s how I make my living, but because I have seen firsthand how it can turn people’s lives from chaos and misery, to hope and empowerment.

Let me give you some specific, concrete examples of how Divorce Mediation can be of tremendous benefit to you. The best way I know how to show you just what can really be in it for you, is to share
with you some of my experiences in my over 25 years as a Divorce lawyer, and in the over 1000 divorce mediations I have done.

My perspective is one of a divorce attorney who was once deep in the trenches, doing battle in Divorce Court for the first fifteen years of my practice. I can’t count the number of husbands and wives, and, inadvertently sometimes, their children, to whom I laid waste in the many contested divorces, and divorce child custody cases I tried in Divorce Court. It’s not a fact I’m proud of, I just didn’t get it.

I don’t really know how many millions of dollars I collected in legal fees fighting for my clients, money that certainly could have been used by them to fund their children’s educations, their own retirements, and, generally, improve the quality of their lives.

That’s what the adversarial system, Divorce Court, dictates. That is simply the way it is. But to blame the system, or the divorce lawyers, doesn’t really do you any good, does it? Now, you too will know - there is a better way. That way is Divorce Mediation.

It has been my experience that when people are going through a divorce, their primary feeling is one of being a victim - of the system, of their spouse, of the divorce attorneys, of life in general. That mindset always leads to anger, despair, misery, and hopelessness.
These negative feelings trickle down (sometimes they pour down), to their children, who are already having a hard enough time with their parents’ breakup. Or, if there are no children, to the parties’ friends and families. It can seem inescapable.

Divorce Mediation is an amazing, empowering alternative to the losing battle you will fight if you go to Divorce Court. I have seen people full of fear and anger transform before my very eyes into compassionate, hopeful, powerful, mature individuals through the Divorce Mediation process. Each time I see the light go on, when one or both of the divorcing parties gets it, I count the blessing of Divorce Mediation.

I don’t know if you ascribe to a higher purpose, but if you do, know that by participating in Divorce Mediation, you are helping to create a more peaceful world. Who will ever know just how much of a positive difference has been made when someone going through the divorce process comes home full of hope for the future, instead of coming home and kicking the dog, or worse yet, their kid?

If that’s just too airy-fairy a concept for you, let’s get right down to it. Here’s what’s in it for you: If you choose Divorce Mediation over fighting it out in Divorce Court, you will save yourself thousands of dollars and the psychological and medical damage that the stress of an out-of-control divorce will most certainly do to you.

So, are you ready to add Divorce Mediation to the list when you count your blessings? If so, you will be joining the ever-increasing ranks of those folks who are thinking about getting a divorce, planning for a divorce, in the divorce process or already divorced but still fighting, who have decided to take control of their lives and their divorces, and use the blessing of Divorce Mediation.

Here’s to YOU making the best of YOUR divorce!

Cynthia Tiano, Esq.
“The Mediator”