Do you have any idea what a celebrity divorce costs?  I’m talking about those divorces where the celebrity couple decided to battle it out instead of getting a peaceful divorce!

Check out these numbers - in the McCartney divorce it was reported that Heather Mills ended up over $3million in debt for her legal bills in her divorce battle with Paul McCartney and had to sell her home to pay off her lawyers!  David Hasselhoff’s legal fees in his divorce were reputed to be over $1million!  Hulk Hogan’s divorce has really gotten ugly, and goodness knows how much the nasty Christy Brinkley divorce will end up costing!

But why should you care what the celebs are paying for their divorces?  Because this epidemic of battling with your spouse in divorce court isn’t just reserved for the celebrities…it’s going on every day with every day people!

In the county where I have practiced divorce law for over 25 years, the cost of the average divorce is $60,000 per side!  We’re not talking about what the rich people pay, we’re talking about the average couple. Has the world gone mad?  What’s going on here?

A big part of the problem here is that people usually hire their divorce lawyer when their emotions are running hot.  Their divorce attorney, who is a trained fighter, takes up the cause (and gets paid hundreds of dollars per hour in the process!) and it’s off to court you go!  In other words, the divorcing couple is acting out their last fight, (or what they think is their last fight) in the public arena called divorce court.

It’s important to recognize that the divorce itself is rarely the last fight. When there are children or support involved, the battle can go on and on, long after the divorce itself is over!

Think for a moment about the emotional cost of divorce and combine it with the financial cost.  Slow down, stop reacting… take a moment and think about this.

How much is it worth to you that you would be able to joyfully celebrate your child’s wedding together without feelings of animosity?  How much is it worth to them? Can you put a financial cost on that?

How much is it worth to you to have your children emotionally healthy and not scarred from the anger and bitterness in your divorce?  How much money is that worth to you?

What is it worth to you to know your child will not be sentenced to the responsibility of taking care of you emotionally, and that they can be allowed to be children during and after your divorce?

What’s it worth to give your child a positive view of adulthood?  What is it worth for your child to know that they are free to love both of their parents?

What would you pay to feel very very good about your co-parenting relationship with your ex and to know you are on the same page about your children?

Literally… wouldn’t that be worth a lot of money to you to have all those things?

Unfortunately, if you go through standard litigation, you’ll be paying a lot of money to make sure those things turn out very badly.  For you and your spouse.  For you and your friends and family.  For you and your children.  Listen… you will pay out a lot of money to have everyone suffer and be in far more pain.  Why would you do that?

Let’s think carefully about how to be happily divorced… it saves money, time, energy, love and even saves lives!   You can do it!  You can create a peaceful divorce, and be happily divorced.  Do it for yourself.  Do it for your kids.

Tags: co parenting, divorce court

I recently had a divorce mediation where, as often is the case, I was working with two divorce lawyers and two co-parents who couldn’t stand each other. It literally took me hours to get them into the same room together and, although these parties had many written divorce settlement agreements between them, years later we were still there, fighting over interpretation and compliance.

In speaking with them alone (I sent the lawyers out of the room to do child support and other financial calculations) about their practically non-existant communication in the years since the divorce had become final, I targeted my focus on an area that I had been doing unconsciously for many years. It hit me like a hammer on the head. Of course, it was so simple!

It doesn’t matter how many agreements that parties make with each other, the only way they are going to live up to them is if they want to! Therefore, it is my job to inspire a desire in them to begin to agree with each other, and to work together as a team to raise their kids.

It is my belief that this is one of the primary roles of the mediator. To inspire the desire.

Once that is done, we can roll up our sleeves and help them start to dig through that pile of resentment that is keeping the them from behaving in a way that is best for their children, and also give them a new set of tools to enable them to work together as a team.

Add, as a further incentive, if the divorce mediator needs it, the co-parents can be reminded that it will also vastly improve the quality of their own lives and future relationships, minimize the effects of divorce on children, and their friends and families probably wouldn’t mind it one bit either!

Tags: divorce settlement, divorce court

Now this is an interesting question, don’t you think? It really hits the nail on the head. Since the divorce attorneys have a huge piece of the puzzle when it comes to Peaceful Divorce, or not, it behooves all of us to figure out what it will take to get them on board with this concept.

1. MONEY. In our county (Palm Beach), 65% of all divorce cases filed last year were “pro se” - without lawyers. Our contacts at the courthouse tell us that this is not because they can’t afford it, but because divorcing couples are afraid to hire lawyers as they feel they will make a war out of it. This is a valid fear as divorce lawyers are paid by the hour - do the math!

This is a lot of money that the divorce attorneys are leaving on the table because of their negative reputation. They are only getting 35% of the divorce cases being filed! Getting the word out that they are on board with a peaceful divorce can help them to capture this growing share of the market that is choosing to have no lawyers (often times when they would benefit from legal advice.)

2. THEIR SANITY. Almost every divorce lawyer I know hates what they are doing, to some degree. The constant fighting eats away at them until they either numb out or make themselves sick from getting up and doing a job they can’t stand every day.

3. GETTING PAID. Every divorce lawyer knows that the longer the case goes on, the greater risk they run of getting completely paid - especially those last bills. Then they become the enemy of their clients instead of their client’s spouses.

4. KARMA. Okay, maybe I’ve got a case of wishful thinking here, but I believe that at some level divorce lawyers want to do the right thing, and they know that the right thing is not waging a battle in a family and then leaving them to pick up the pieces, if they can. They know the irreversible damage it does, especially to the children.

So maybe it’s time for the good “divorce advice” to go to the divorce lawyers - get on board with peaceful divorce because the divorcing public is demanding it! Time to get on board before you really miss the boat!

Tags: , co parenting

One of the most significant questions that people considering divorce ask themselves and others is “what effect is this divorce going to have on my children?” The expectation almost always is that it is going to have a negative effect on them, to harm them. I am here to tell you that I have witnessed on several occasions, the effects of divorce on children be positive.

I recently had a mediation that was typical of what I call my “co-parenting” mediations. At the beginning, the parties were stuck in an angry, fearful and ugly place. At first this negative energy (combined with the fighting energy of the two divorce lawyers) landed on me like blows, but I breathed through it and kept on keeping on. And by hour ten of the mediation it ended as many of my co-parenting mediations do – with a meeting of the minds, and the hearts.

As the soon-to-be-divorced couple embraced with tears freely flowing, I felt my drained countenance revive and I remembered, for the millionth time, why I do this. For deep in my heart I knew that these parties’ children were going to be the beneficiaries of that intense labor, on all of our parts, in that sacred space called mediation. These parents left communicating better than they had in years, with compassion and acceptance replacing bitterness and resentment.

One might say that it is sad or unfortunate that it took getting divorced to get these co-parents to this place, and that may be true. But these are the cases where the effects of divorce on children can be positive. And on their parents.

Tags: child custody, divorce law

Come on, people! You have got to be kidding!

I just read an article about celebrity Ann Heche’s bitter divorce from her husband, Coley Laffoon. They are using up taxpayer’s dollars fighting over furniture.

In a tense, dramatic decision, Ann Heche was allowed to keep her footstool that she had prior to the marriage.

No matter how ridiculous you may think that seems, you can bet your boots that divorce lawyers all over the country, and probably all over the world, are fighting for their clients over things just like that. Issues that insignificant are continually being litigated in divorce court. Worse yet, child custody divorce cases often have battles over items just as trivial!

Okay, everybody, let’s be fair and play nice. And if you can’t be nice (yet) to your ex, at least give us all out here a break, and use divorce mediation if you can’t find a way to share the plates and forks.

We’d all appreciate it - your friends, family, and, if you have them, - especially your kids!

Tags: divorce, visitation

For the life of me, I can’t figure out why anyone would litigate their divorce, when they have the option to mediate. Is it even possible in this day and age, that anyone considering getting a divorce, in the middle of a divorce, or already divorced and still fighting with their ex, hasn’t heard about divorce mediation?

Ask anyone who has been to divorce court how they liked that experience. We know who the only winners are there – the divorce lawyers! But don’t blame them, if you hire them, you know what you are getting. After all, they are trained to fight over things like divorce child custody, alimony and the like!

Do you know that your chances of having a divorce agreement, and an uncontested divorce increase dramatically if you go to divorce mediation instead of divorce court? Why in the world would you roll the dice on a judge’s decision, when you can make the decisions yourselves?

What are you waiting for? Go ahead, try divorce mediation as an alternative dispute resolution between you and your ex. You just may find yourselves getting along better than you have in years. And saving thousands in the process.

Tags: divorce mediation, divorce lawyer

What would you like your relationship with your ex-partner to look like? Have you ever thought about it?

How can you get what you want, if you don’t know what you want?

Most people spend their time thinking about what they don’t want, rather than what they do want. You know that what you focus on expands.

How about sitting down and figuring out what your perfect relationship with your ex-partner would look like? If what you are thinking is, “Nothing! I don’t want a thing to do with them, ever again!”, think again. How likely is that to happen, when you have kids? And you won’t be able to move forward, until you have forgiven - them and yourself.

So think about that perfect relationship with your soon-to-be-ex, or ex. Think about it every day. Feel how great it would feel, for yourselves, your families and mutual friends, as if it had already happened. Share these inspired ideas with your ex.

Watch in amazement how quickly things change for the better as you see yourselves working together as a team, to create your perfect co-parenting relationship.

It’s simple. Focus on what you want, not on what you don’t want.

Tags: child custody,

Whatever your causes of divorce, from infidelity, to a communication breakdown, to a general growing apart, Divorce Mediation can be successful in resolving your disputed issues with your ex.

There are some cases of physical abuse where divorce mediation is not recommended, however, with the right mediator and a safe environment, such as holding the mediation at the Courthouse, even these cases sometimes may be appropriately mediated. Ask your attorney for specific advice before proceeding to a mediation where physical abuse has been an issue.

The divorce mediation process, in addition to helping you to settle the issues in your case, such as divorce child custody, can also set the tone and the framework for you and your ex to have improved and more effective communication in the future. This is especially important in cases where you will have to co-parent with them, and continue engage in dispute resolution, as issues arise.

Remember, even though each couple has different causes of divorce, be sure to consider utilizing divorce mediation if you are interested in a divorce settlement, and an uncontested divorce.

And with the cost of a contested divorce, emotionally and financially, who wouldn’t be?

For goodness’ sake, I just got through mediating between the lawyers again. What a waste of my time and energy, and the parties’ money!

You parties going through a divorce or breakup, do you get that when you hire lawyers to “fight your battles” for you, that is exactly what they are going to do? They want to win! On every issue! That’s what you hired them for! And, when your lawyer is present at your divorce mediation, that mindset can add another layer of complexity and complication to an already out-of-control situation.

Let me tell you a story to illustrate what I am talking about:

I am mediating a case where the lawyers don’t get along, who were hired by parties who really don’t get along. In the mediation, I was trying to focus on improving the communication between this divorcing couple, who have children together. They are going to have to deal with each other in the future!

But the divorce lawyers were each focused on whatever crappy maneuver the other lawyer had pulled, so we spent a whole lot of time and energy on who said what, what papers were filed, who didn’t answer who’s calls. And on and on. At a rate of several hundreds of dollars per hour!

The lawyers clearly couldn’t stand each other, and each felt victimized by the other. What do you think that adds to the equation of two parties who can’t stand each other and feel victimized by the other? This battling between the lawyers took the focus off of finding solutions for this family!

Listen, folks, it’s up to YOU to control your lawyers. I’m not saying that all of them will get out of control over every tiny little issue, as a matter of fact, some lawyers are an asset to the mediation process. But the best of them can get swept up in the fight of your divorce at one time or another.

Trial lawyers accustomed to being in divorce court are used to running the show. It comes naturally to them. But when they try to do that in your mediation, they are an obstacle to the mediation process, and that means more of your time, money and energy are going to be wasted.

If you choose to have your lawyers in your mediation, be smart enough to listen to the Mediator, who is supposed to be in control of the mediation, and directing how it goes. That’s what you are hiring your expert Mediator for!

TAKE CONTROL of your divorce mediation. Stop delegating the responsibility for your life and choices to others. Hiding behind your divorce lawyer’s skirts is not worth the price you are ultimately going to pay, believe me.

You can do it. Even if you are scared or overwhelmed, trust your instincts, and trust your Divorce Mediator. (If you don’t, find a new one!) Use your lawyers’ expertise efficiently – to advise you on the law and to help you make the ultimate decisions.

This is about your life. Yours and your ex’s, and your kids, if you have them. Take advantage of the opportunity divorce mediation provides for you to make the important decisions. Participate fully, and give it the best shot you can. It is your best chance to create a peaceful divorce.

If you are considering a divorce and possibly trying to save money while going through the process, there are options out there. There are many do it yourself divorce procedures, as well as online divorce centers.

A great place to begin the process is to find free divorce forms online. More traditional divorces, where divorce lawyers are used, can become extremely expensive. Many couples are seeking do-it-yourself divorces. Divorces can be very stressful, even without adding lawyers who can potentially add even more stress.

When doing your search for do-it-yourself divorce, you are likely to find information that will assist you in comprehending the requirements and the overall divorce process. This allows you to become familiar with entire divorce process.

Mediation can help couples who are seeking a do-it-yourself divorce. An unbiased third party mediator can help willing couples come to a mutual agreement on such things as child custody and child support as well as maintenance payments. A mediator can also help the couple split marital assets such as the family home, car and pets. Other important issues the Mediator can help with are, who will carry medical insurance, visitations for extended family members, vacations and so forth. Again, all of this can be done through mediation.

In order for a do-it-yourself divorce to work, it is important that neither party become bitter. The overall process can become very frustrating. But keep in mind that if you are unable to come up with a divorce plan, the courts may need to become involved, and that will increase the costs, both emotionally and financially.

Nobody wants to think about getting a divorce. But in today’s society, divorce is very much a reality. With the help of a mediator and some online divorce services, couples can now have a do-it-yourself divorce. Online divorces and do-it-yourself divorces are a great alternative to the more traditional, and more expensive, type of divorce.