| |
|
Category Archives: Divorce Mediation
In my 26 years as a divorce attorney, and especially the last dozen years that I have been a divorce mediator, a phrase I have heard very often when I get up on my soapbox about Peaceful Divorce is, “but you don’t know my ex!” or “it’s not possible to have a peaceful divorce in my situation”. Not so. You CAN learn how to get a divorce the peaceful way, whether your spouse or ex is on board right now or not.
Now that may not be what you want to hear because what it does is place the responsibility for your life right back where it belongs, with you. Believe me, a lot of the resistance you are feeling when you think of changing your story about your relationship with your spouse or ex is for this very reason!
Nonetheless, this is the way life works. You are creating your life by the primary thoughts you are thinking, and the feelings you are feeling through the universal law of attraction. Divorce doesn’t exempt you from the laws of life! You are creating your reality! The time to own it is now!
That’s good news! Isn’t it a relief? Isn’t it empowering to understand that you have the power to change your relationship with your spouse or ex by changing your attitude, and when that changes, everything changes?
But I’ve tried that, you say! It doesn’t work! Oh yes it does. You must be consistent, and persistent. Are you holding the vision of the relationship you would like with your spouse or ex? What does it look like? Hold that vision consistently, and patiently, and it will begin to materialize before your very eyes. You know that what you focus on expands! What do you want your divorce to look like? Your life afterwards? What are you focusing on? What you want, or what you don’t want?
Are you focusing on what is right with your spouse or ex instead of what is wrong? Are you making a concerted effort to remember the qualities you respected and admired when you married this person and perhaps had children with them?
Going through divorce is like driving a car. Are you looking through the windshield, toward where you are going, or through the rear view mirror, stuck in the past? Be proactive in creating the vision of what you want it all to look like and consistently hold that vision. What vision are you holding? Is it of a peaceful divorce? Is it of a respectful, effective co-parenting relationship with your spouse or ex? Is it of healthy, happy children and meaningful future relationships for yourself?
Don’t give up! Hold the vision of what you want, not what you don’t want! You will move in the direction you are looking and before you know it, you will have created a peaceful divorce, and the pathway to being happily divorced, if that is what you truly desire.
Tags: child custody, divorce lawyer
I recently had a divorce mediation where, as often is the case, I was working with two divorce lawyers and two co-parents who couldn’t stand each other. It literally took me hours to get them into the same room together and, although these parties had many written divorce settlement agreements between them, years later we were still there, fighting over interpretation and compliance.
In speaking with them alone (I sent the lawyers out of the room to do child support and other financial calculations) about their practically non-existant communication in the years since the divorce had become final, I targeted my focus on an area that I had been doing unconsciously for many years. It hit me like a hammer on the head. Of course, it was so simple!
It doesn’t matter how many agreements that parties make with each other, the only way they are going to live up to them is if they want to! Therefore, it is my job to inspire a desire in them to begin to agree with each other, and to work together as a team to raise their kids.
It is my belief that this is one of the primary roles of the mediator. To inspire the desire.
Once that is done, we can roll up our sleeves and help them start to dig through that pile of resentment that is keeping the them from behaving in a way that is best for their children, and also give them a new set of tools to enable them to work together as a team.
Add, as a further incentive, if the divorce mediator needs it, the co-parents can be reminded that it will also vastly improve the quality of their own lives and future relationships, minimize the effects of divorce on children, and their friends and families probably wouldn’t mind it one bit either!
Tags: divorce settlement, divorce court
When you decide to start looking for a divorce attorney, do you think about going to a divorce lawyer who is “Board Certified”? One who has been “certified” by his/her peers as an “expert” who “specializes” in matrimonial law? Well, you may want to re-think that idea if you want a peaceful divorce.
Although it varies from state to state, the general requirements for a divorce lawyer to become a board certified divorce attorney may very well be based upon how much time that lawyer spends in trial. Think about that. Any divorce case that goes to trial means, most likely, that it is not a peaceful divorce. It means that the divorcing couple has spent tens of thousands of dollars in legal fees and close to a year of stress-filled, adversarial interaction with each other. Does that sound like a “peaceful divorce” to you?
So be very careful in selecting your lawyer when considering getting a divorce and make sure that the attorneys you are interviewing are committed to peaceful divorce. That means that they will use every avenue available, including divorce mediation, to get you and your family through this difficult time in as sane and respectful a fashion as possible. It means that they are committed to making sure that the effects of divorce on children are minimized as much as possible.
Now I’m not saying that all board certified divorce attorneys are not on board with peaceful divorce. In fact, I know some who are. Just be mindful of how they get their certification and if you aren’t sure, ask them. Are they on board with a peaceful divorce for you and your family? Can they be committed to a peaceful settlement? See what divorce advice they give you in response to these questions. Then you will have your answer as to whether or not to hire a board certified divorce attorney.
Tags: divorce mediation, divorce
Now this is an interesting question, don’t you think? It really hits the nail on the head. Since the divorce attorneys have a huge piece of the puzzle when it comes to Peaceful Divorce, or not, it behooves all of us to figure out what it will take to get them on board with this concept.
1. MONEY. In our county (Palm Beach), 65% of all divorce cases filed last year were “pro se” - without lawyers. Our contacts at the courthouse tell us that this is not because they can’t afford it, but because divorcing couples are afraid to hire lawyers as they feel they will make a war out of it. This is a valid fear as divorce lawyers are paid by the hour - do the math!
This is a lot of money that the divorce attorneys are leaving on the table because of their negative reputation. They are only getting 35% of the divorce cases being filed! Getting the word out that they are on board with a peaceful divorce can help them to capture this growing share of the market that is choosing to have no lawyers (often times when they would benefit from legal advice.)
2. THEIR SANITY. Almost every divorce lawyer I know hates what they are doing, to some degree. The constant fighting eats away at them until they either numb out or make themselves sick from getting up and doing a job they can’t stand every day.
3. GETTING PAID. Every divorce lawyer knows that the longer the case goes on, the greater risk they run of getting completely paid - especially those last bills. Then they become the enemy of their clients instead of their client’s spouses.
4. KARMA. Okay, maybe I’ve got a case of wishful thinking here, but I believe that at some level divorce lawyers want to do the right thing, and they know that the right thing is not waging a battle in a family and then leaving them to pick up the pieces, if they can. They know the irreversible damage it does, especially to the children.
So maybe it’s time for the good “divorce advice” to go to the divorce lawyers - get on board with peaceful divorce because the divorcing public is demanding it! Time to get on board before you really miss the boat!
Tags: co parenting,
One of the most significant questions that people considering divorce ask themselves and others is “what effect is this divorce going to have on my children?” The expectation almost always is that it is going to have a negative effect on them, to harm them. I am here to tell you that I have witnessed on several occasions, the effects of divorce on children be positive.
I recently had a mediation that was typical of what I call my “co-parenting” mediations. At the beginning, the parties were stuck in an angry, fearful and ugly place. At first this negative energy (combined with the fighting energy of the two divorce lawyers) landed on me like blows, but I breathed through it and kept on keeping on. And by hour ten of the mediation it ended as many of my co-parenting mediations do – with a meeting of the minds, and the hearts.
As the soon-to-be-divorced couple embraced with tears freely flowing, I felt my drained countenance revive and I remembered, for the millionth time, why I do this. For deep in my heart I knew that these parties’ children were going to be the beneficiaries of that intense labor, on all of our parts, in that sacred space called mediation. These parents left communicating better than they had in years, with compassion and acceptance replacing bitterness and resentment.
One might say that it is sad or unfortunate that it took getting divorced to get these co-parents to this place, and that may be true. But these are the cases where the effects of divorce on children can be positive. And on their parents.
Tags: child custody, divorce law
 I know that divorce lawyers have a pretty bad reputation when it comes to fueling the fires between divorcing couples. Most people believe that they only want to fight, especially since they make more money the longer the fight goes on.
I’m here to tell you as a divorce mediator that this has not really been my experience. Sure, some divorce attorneys prolong the fight, but there really are lots of them out there that do care, and want to help you navigate the difficult divorce waters as quickly and easily as possible.
One way you can see if your divorce lawyer or a divorce lawyer you are considering hiring is on board with a peaceful divorce, is to simply ask them the question.
Do they believe in the concept of peaceful divorce? Do they practice it? Do they think they can approach your case in a peaceful and civilized fashion, so that you and your spouse, and your children if you have them, can heal and move forward toward a better life for all?
Remember, it is you who are driving the train in your divorce. Your divorce lawyer works for you, and knows that you have lots of divorce lawyers to choose from. They want to represent you, and will almost always follow your lead. You set the tone for your divorce attorney. I’ll bet they either already are on board, or will quickly get on board with a peaceful divorce, if you are determined to have one!
Tags: child custody, visitation
Come on, people! You have got to be kidding!
I just read an article about celebrity Ann Heche’s bitter divorce from her husband, Coley Laffoon. They are using up taxpayer’s dollars fighting over furniture.
In a tense, dramatic decision, Ann Heche was allowed to keep her footstool that she had prior to the marriage.
No matter how ridiculous you may think that seems, you can bet your boots that divorce lawyers all over the country, and probably all over the world, are fighting for their clients over things just like that. Issues that insignificant are continually being litigated in divorce court. Worse yet, child custody divorce cases often have battles over items just as trivial!
Okay, everybody, let’s be fair and play nice. And if you can’t be nice (yet) to your ex, at least give us all out here a break, and use divorce mediation if you can’t find a way to share the plates and forks.
We’d all appreciate it - your friends, family, and, if you have them, - especially your kids!
Tags: visitation, divorce
For the life of me, I can’t figure out why anyone would litigate their divorce, when they have the option to mediate. Is it even possible in this day and age, that anyone considering getting a divorce, in the middle of a divorce, or already divorced and still fighting with their ex, hasn’t heard about divorce mediation?
Ask anyone who has been to divorce court how they liked that experience. We know who the only winners are there – the divorce lawyers! But don’t blame them, if you hire them, you know what you are getting. After all, they are trained to fight over things like divorce child custody, alimony and the like!
Do you know that your chances of having a divorce agreement, and an uncontested divorce increase dramatically if you go to divorce mediation instead of divorce court? Why in the world would you roll the dice on a judge’s decision, when you can make the decisions yourselves?
What are you waiting for? Go ahead, try divorce mediation as an alternative dispute resolution between you and your ex. You just may find yourselves getting along better than you have in years. And saving thousands in the process.
Tags: divorce mediation, divorce lawyer
Whatever your causes of divorce, from infidelity, to a communication breakdown, to a general growing apart, Divorce Mediation can be successful in resolving your disputed issues with your ex.
There are some cases of physical abuse where divorce mediation is not recommended, however, with the right mediator and a safe environment, such as holding the mediation at the Courthouse, even these cases sometimes may be appropriately mediated. Ask your attorney for specific advice before proceeding to a mediation where physical abuse has been an issue.
The divorce mediation process, in addition to helping you to settle the issues in your case, such as divorce child custody, can also set the tone and the framework for you and your ex to have improved and more effective communication in the future. This is especially important in cases where you will have to co-parent with them, and continue engage in dispute resolution, as issues arise.
Remember, even though each couple has different causes of divorce, be sure to consider utilizing divorce mediation if you are interested in a divorce settlement, and an uncontested divorce.
And with the cost of a contested divorce, emotionally and financially, who wouldn’t be?
 For goodness’ sake, I just got through mediating between the lawyers again. What a waste of my time and energy, and the parties’ money!
You parties going through a divorce or breakup, do you get that when you hire lawyers to “fight your battles” for you, that is exactly what they are going to do? They want to win! On every issue! That’s what you hired them for! And, when your lawyer is present at your divorce mediation, that mindset can add another layer of complexity and complication to an already out-of-control situation.
Let me tell you a story to illustrate what I am talking about:
I am mediating a case where the lawyers don’t get along, who were hired by parties who really don’t get along. In the mediation, I was trying to focus on improving the communication between this divorcing couple, who have children together. They are going to have to deal with each other in the future!
But the divorce lawyers were each focused on whatever crappy maneuver the other lawyer had pulled, so we spent a whole lot of time and energy on who said what, what papers were filed, who didn’t answer who’s calls. And on and on. At a rate of several hundreds of dollars per hour!
The lawyers clearly couldn’t stand each other, and each felt victimized by the other. What do you think that adds to the equation of two parties who can’t stand each other and feel victimized by the other? This battling between the lawyers took the focus off of finding solutions for this family!
Listen, folks, it’s up to YOU to control your lawyers. I’m not saying that all of them will get out of control over every tiny little issue, as a matter of fact, some lawyers are an asset to the mediation process. But the best of them can get swept up in the fight of your divorce at one time or another.
Trial lawyers accustomed to being in divorce court are used to running the show. It comes naturally to them. But when they try to do that in your mediation, they are an obstacle to the mediation process, and that means more of your time, money and energy are going to be wasted.
If you choose to have your lawyers in your mediation, be smart enough to listen to the Mediator, who is supposed to be in control of the mediation, and directing how it goes. That’s what you are hiring your expert Mediator for!
TAKE CONTROL of your divorce mediation. Stop delegating the responsibility for your life and choices to others. Hiding behind your divorce lawyer’s skirts is not worth the price you are ultimately going to pay, believe me.
You can do it. Even if you are scared or overwhelmed, trust your instincts, and trust your Divorce Mediator. (If you don’t, find a new one!) Use your lawyers’ expertise efficiently – to advise you on the law and to help you make the ultimate decisions.
This is about your life. Yours and your ex’s, and your kids, if you have them. Take advantage of the opportunity divorce mediation provides for you to make the important decisions. Participate fully, and give it the best shot you can. It is your best chance to create a peaceful divorce.
|
