I find that I spend a significant amount of my time mediating the divorce mediation. That may seem like a funny thing to say, but it’s true. What do I mean by it? Well, let me give you an example.

I have an ongoing divorce mediation that I have been mediating once a week for a while now. This family was in major crisis. They had been divorced for over a decade, but still had a divorce custody battle going on about the kids.

The first mediation I did was with them and their divorce lawyers. After letting the lawyers do their thing – position and posture, threaten and intimidate, I got them out of the room as fast as I could. Once they were gone, the real work could begin.

That mediation was very productive, and we soon adjourned to gather more information, and scheduled another mediation for a week or so down the road, without their lawyers. The only issue to be hammered out before the next mediation was, who was going to pay for it.

It took many emails, right up until the day of the mediation, to come to an agreement on this issue. The interesting thing is that in each email, this was the very issue that was not dealt with. Both parties skirted the issue, not wanting to deal with the conflict over who was going to pay for the mediation, or if they were going to split the cost. (Remember, the divorce mediation process costs a fraction of what going to divorce court would cost them.)

Now why is this important? (Besides the fact that I like getting paid for what I do). Because it gave me a clear insight as to how these parties communicate with each other. They tuned out the issues they don’t want to talk about, seeking to avoid the conflict.

Take a check of yourself, and your communication style with your ex. Do you fall into the same category as my well-meaning, but procrastinating, conflict-avoiding co-parents? Divorces are somewhat like a fault line in the earth. If you don’t release a little tension here and there, and deal with the small issues as they come up, you’re headed for a big quake down the road.

A good Divorce Mediator will show you the tools to work through day to day issues with your ex so that they become second nature, including how to go into the conflict, and resolve the small issues, instead of avoiding it until it becomes a blow out. That tool, in and of itself can change the way you interact with your ex, the entire tone of your divorce, and, if you have kids together, your future co-parenting relationship.