What would you like your relationship with your ex-partner to look like? Have you ever thought about it?

How can you get what you want, if you don’t know what you want?

Most people spend their time thinking about what they don’t want, rather than what they do want. You know that what you focus on expands.

How about sitting down and figuring out what your perfect relationship with your ex-partner would look like? If what you are thinking is, “Nothing! I don’t want a thing to do with them, ever again!”, think again. How likely is that to happen, when you have kids? And you won’t be able to move forward, until you have forgiven - them and yourself.

So think about that perfect relationship with your soon-to-be-ex, or ex. Think about it every day. Feel how great it would feel, for yourselves, your families and mutual friends, as if it had already happened. Share these inspired ideas with your ex.

Watch in amazement how quickly things change for the better as you see yourselves working together as a team, to create your perfect co-parenting relationship.

It’s simple. Focus on what you want, not on what you don’t want.

Tags: , child custody

Whatever your causes of divorce, from infidelity, to a communication breakdown, to a general growing apart, Divorce Mediation can be successful in resolving your disputed issues with your ex.

There are some cases of physical abuse where divorce mediation is not recommended, however, with the right mediator and a safe environment, such as holding the mediation at the Courthouse, even these cases sometimes may be appropriately mediated. Ask your attorney for specific advice before proceeding to a mediation where physical abuse has been an issue.

The divorce mediation process, in addition to helping you to settle the issues in your case, such as divorce child custody, can also set the tone and the framework for you and your ex to have improved and more effective communication in the future. This is especially important in cases where you will have to co-parent with them, and continue engage in dispute resolution, as issues arise.

Remember, even though each couple has different causes of divorce, be sure to consider utilizing divorce mediation if you are interested in a divorce settlement, and an uncontested divorce.

And with the cost of a contested divorce, emotionally and financially, who wouldn’t be?

I cannot believe the article I read the other day. Boy, did this couple need Divorce Mediation!

A man in Berlin who was a trained mason, was getting divorced. While going through the divorce process, he took a chainsaw, cut the house he owned with his wife exactly in half (he measured it!), and drove away with his half in a forklift truck.

You can read the full article here.

Now, even though the divorce laws in most areas support that whatever the parties got during the marriage should be divided equally, this guy’s wife didn’t appreciate the metaphor.

All kidding aside, this really isn’t that far off from what I’ve seen in my 25 years in the divorce business. Yes, people really do misbehave during the divorce process! They’re in divorce court, which is the adversarial system, for goodness sake!

Okay, I’ll admit that reading an article like this is hilarious. But can you imagine, when things are that bitter, the effects of divorce on children?

It takes a lot of maturity to do a divorce right. Learn all that you can about alternative dispute resolution, especially divorce mediation. Then, find a divorce lawyer who supports it, and you will be on the road to a peaceful divorce.

Now, don’t you think that’s a better idea than solving your divorce problems with power tools?

Not everyone has the same experience when using divorce mediation during their divorce process.  Of course, part of the reason for that is that each person has a unique set of circumstances, and, personalities present in their divorce.

However, there are certain “rules” that apply across the board when it comes to how successful your mediation is going to be.  These are:

· How committed you are to a peaceful resolution
· How committed your divorce attorney is to a peaceful resolution
· How willing you are to forgive your spouse, and yourself
· How willing you are to take full responsibility for your life and choices

People who go into a mediation letting their lawyers do all the talking, needing to get even, needing to win, and delegating the decision-making to their divorce attorneys, will not experience all that mediation has to offer.

These folks will use the mediation process the same way as the litigation process, then complain that it doesn’t work!  But Divorce Mediation does work.  As they say, “It works if you work it.” 

Divorce Mediation can lead to a peaceful resolution of your breakup and an uncontested divorce settlement, which greatly minimizes the negative effects of divorce on children.  It can move you and your spouse through the cause of divorce, and beyond, to an effective co-parenting relationship. It can help you successfully settle all issues regarding divorce child custody.

And, your mediation can save you thousands of dollars in the process!  Can you think of anything else you’d like to spend that money on?  Well, go ahead, think about all that it can buy – and get committed to making the most of your Divorce Mediation.

For goodness’ sake, I just got through mediating between the lawyers again. What a waste of my time and energy, and the parties’ money!

You parties going through a divorce or breakup, do you get that when you hire lawyers to “fight your battles” for you, that is exactly what they are going to do? They want to win! On every issue! That’s what you hired them for! And, when your lawyer is present at your divorce mediation, that mindset can add another layer of complexity and complication to an already out-of-control situation.

Let me tell you a story to illustrate what I am talking about:

I am mediating a case where the lawyers don’t get along, who were hired by parties who really don’t get along. In the mediation, I was trying to focus on improving the communication between this divorcing couple, who have children together. They are going to have to deal with each other in the future!

But the divorce lawyers were each focused on whatever crappy maneuver the other lawyer had pulled, so we spent a whole lot of time and energy on who said what, what papers were filed, who didn’t answer who’s calls. And on and on. At a rate of several hundreds of dollars per hour!

The lawyers clearly couldn’t stand each other, and each felt victimized by the other. What do you think that adds to the equation of two parties who can’t stand each other and feel victimized by the other? This battling between the lawyers took the focus off of finding solutions for this family!

Listen, folks, it’s up to YOU to control your lawyers. I’m not saying that all of them will get out of control over every tiny little issue, as a matter of fact, some lawyers are an asset to the mediation process. But the best of them can get swept up in the fight of your divorce at one time or another.

Trial lawyers accustomed to being in divorce court are used to running the show. It comes naturally to them. But when they try to do that in your mediation, they are an obstacle to the mediation process, and that means more of your time, money and energy are going to be wasted.

If you choose to have your lawyers in your mediation, be smart enough to listen to the Mediator, who is supposed to be in control of the mediation, and directing how it goes. That’s what you are hiring your expert Mediator for!

TAKE CONTROL of your divorce mediation. Stop delegating the responsibility for your life and choices to others. Hiding behind your divorce lawyer’s skirts is not worth the price you are ultimately going to pay, believe me.

You can do it. Even if you are scared or overwhelmed, trust your instincts, and trust your Divorce Mediator. (If you don’t, find a new one!) Use your lawyers’ expertise efficiently – to advise you on the law and to help you make the ultimate decisions.

This is about your life. Yours and your ex’s, and your kids, if you have them. Take advantage of the opportunity divorce mediation provides for you to make the important decisions. Participate fully, and give it the best shot you can. It is your best chance to create a peaceful divorce.

If you are considering a divorce and possibly trying to save money while going through the process, there are options out there. There are many do it yourself divorce procedures, as well as online divorce centers.

A great place to begin the process is to find free divorce forms online. More traditional divorces, where divorce lawyers are used, can become extremely expensive. Many couples are seeking do-it-yourself divorces. Divorces can be very stressful, even without adding lawyers who can potentially add even more stress.

When doing your search for do-it-yourself divorce, you are likely to find information that will assist you in comprehending the requirements and the overall divorce process. This allows you to become familiar with entire divorce process.

Mediation can help couples who are seeking a do-it-yourself divorce. An unbiased third party mediator can help willing couples come to a mutual agreement on such things as child custody and child support as well as maintenance payments. A mediator can also help the couple split marital assets such as the family home, car and pets. Other important issues the Mediator can help with are, who will carry medical insurance, visitations for extended family members, vacations and so forth. Again, all of this can be done through mediation.

In order for a do-it-yourself divorce to work, it is important that neither party become bitter. The overall process can become very frustrating. But keep in mind that if you are unable to come up with a divorce plan, the courts may need to become involved, and that will increase the costs, both emotionally and financially.

Nobody wants to think about getting a divorce. But in today’s society, divorce is very much a reality. With the help of a mediator and some online divorce services, couples can now have a do-it-yourself divorce. Online divorces and do-it-yourself divorces are a great alternative to the more traditional, and more expensive, type of divorce.

When parents get a divorce, especially if there is a battle, it is almost always very traumatic for the children involved. The effects of divorce on a child will depend on the gender, age and developmental stage of the child, and how bitter the fight between their parents is. Each year, over a million children in America feel the affects of their parents’ divorce.

Studies indicate that whenever parents go through a divorce, children fear the change they will face. Children often have a fear of normal change, let alone the change of their parents divorcing. Children of divorce quickly realize that from here on out, things will never be the same. It goes beyond Dad and Mom not being around all the time. They can also lose contact with extended family on either parent’s side. School, mealtime and bedtime routines change. Everything seems to be in a constant state of turmoil.

The effects of divorce on children go beyond their daily routine. They can easily develop a fear of being abandoned. When Dad and Mom are considering separation or already separated, children have a rational fear of losing one parent or another. This fear is exaggerated when their parents are fighting, especially if they perceive that they are fighting over them.

The effects of divorce on children, especially when there is intense conlict between their parents, can also lead a child to be hyperactive, suffer from some sort of impulsive disorder or become aggressive. It has been shown that a contested divorce battle can minimize a child’s ability to handle difficult and even simple difficulties in life.

Depending on the child’s maturity and personality, these effects of divorce on a child can be long lasting. Children of divorce often grieve as they would if they were mourning the loss of a loved one. Their parents cooperation with each other, and presentation of a united front for their children can substantially minimize some of these adverse effects.

Parents Can Make A Difference in Divorce Effects On Child 

Children of divorce can feel that they have no sense of belonging, unless their parents make a concerted effort to work together to minimize the impact of the divorce on their children. The children can survive, and even thrive if their parents use good judgment, and allow and encourage the children’s positive, loving feelings about the other parent.

Parents can help their children to see that, instead of feeling like their home is broken, they now have two homes. It is becoming more common for children to spend equal time with both parents, whereas before, they would pack up some of their belongings for the weekend and head over to the other parent’s house. Now, children can feel a sense of belonging in both parent’s households and maintain toys, clothes, etc. at both households.

It is important to remember that divorce may seem to only affect the parents, but after a closer look, it is easy to see the effect of divorce on children. The children will follow their parent’s lead on this. If the parents take a mature, positive approach to the change that divorce brings, any negative impact of the divorce itself on the children will be greatly minimized. In fact, if the parents focus on the positive changes, their children will, too.

The cause of divorce varies greatly from couple to couple. What may be perceived as the main problem in one marriage may be very different in another. In a troubled marriage, there generally is not one particular reason a marriage fails, but rather a compilation of reasons. Nonetheless, there are some reasons that seem to be more common than others.

One of the most common reasons listed for divorce is irreconcilable differences or, rather, incompatibility. In many states, these reasons for divorce are considered to be “no-fault”.

Among the most common causes for divorce, is poor communication. Often, couples find themselves in a relationship without the skills to properly communicate with each other. Instead of talking about their troubles, they bottle things up inside until it’s just too late.

Another very common cause of divorce is financial problems. When there are financial struggles, unless there is a strong relationship to fall back on, financial troubles can quickly lead an othewise blissful couple straight to divorce court.

Infidelity is another common reason for divorce. Couples often find it hard to reconcile after there has been infidelity in their marriage. Counseling will very often be needed to get the marriage back on track.

At times, there can be a dramatic change in the couple’s priorites. Especially, if the couple married when they were younger, they may find what was important in their early 20’s, now is far less important in their 30’s and 40’s. This can lead to the couple growing apart, rather than together.

Other reasons for divorce can include, substance abuse and addictions, emotional, physical and/or sexual abuse, lack of conflict resolution skills and unmet needs or failed expectations.

In today’s society, there are many causes of divorce. And although there are some fairly common reasons why couples turn to divorce, no one reason proves to be true for every couple. Nor, is there generally just one cause of divorce. More often than not, many factors come into play in a couple turning to divorce.

I find that I spend a significant amount of my time mediating the divorce mediation. That may seem like a funny thing to say, but it’s true. What do I mean by it? Well, let me give you an example.

I have an ongoing divorce mediation that I have been mediating once a week for a while now. This family was in major crisis. They had been divorced for over a decade, but still had a divorce custody battle going on about the kids.

The first mediation I did was with them and their divorce lawyers. After letting the lawyers do their thing – position and posture, threaten and intimidate, I got them out of the room as fast as I could. Once they were gone, the real work could begin.

That mediation was very productive, and we soon adjourned to gather more information, and scheduled another mediation for a week or so down the road, without their lawyers. The only issue to be hammered out before the next mediation was, who was going to pay for it.

It took many emails, right up until the day of the mediation, to come to an agreement on this issue. The interesting thing is that in each email, this was the very issue that was not dealt with. Both parties skirted the issue, not wanting to deal with the conflict over who was going to pay for the mediation, or if they were going to split the cost. (Remember, the divorce mediation process costs a fraction of what going to divorce court would cost them.)

Now why is this important? (Besides the fact that I like getting paid for what I do). Because it gave me a clear insight as to how these parties communicate with each other. They tuned out the issues they don’t want to talk about, seeking to avoid the conflict.

Take a check of yourself, and your communication style with your ex. Do you fall into the same category as my well-meaning, but procrastinating, conflict-avoiding co-parents? Divorces are somewhat like a fault line in the earth. If you don’t release a little tension here and there, and deal with the small issues as they come up, you’re headed for a big quake down the road.

A good Divorce Mediator will show you the tools to work through day to day issues with your ex so that they become second nature, including how to go into the conflict, and resolve the small issues, instead of avoiding it until it becomes a blow out. That tool, in and of itself can change the way you interact with your ex, the entire tone of your divorce, and, if you have kids together, your future co-parenting relationship.

As I gain in years, I have gotten into the habit of counting my blessings when I first get up, to set the tone for the day, and, basically, because it makes me feel good. One blessing that I always add is the blessing of Divorce Mediation. Not just because it’s how I make my living, but because I have seen firsthand how it can turn people’s lives from chaos and misery, to hope and empowerment.

Let me give you some specific, concrete examples of how Divorce Mediation can be of tremendous benefit to you. The best way I know how to show you just what can really be in it for you, is to share
with you some of my experiences in my over 25 years as a Divorce lawyer, and in the over 1000 divorce mediations I have done.

My perspective is one of a divorce attorney who was once deep in the trenches, doing battle in Divorce Court for the first fifteen years of my practice. I can’t count the number of husbands and wives, and, inadvertently sometimes, their children, to whom I laid waste in the many contested divorces, and divorce child custody cases I tried in Divorce Court. It’s not a fact I’m proud of, I just didn’t get it.

I don’t really know how many millions of dollars I collected in legal fees fighting for my clients, money that certainly could have been used by them to fund their children’s educations, their own retirements, and, generally, improve the quality of their lives.

That’s what the adversarial system, Divorce Court, dictates. That is simply the way it is. But to blame the system, or the divorce lawyers, doesn’t really do you any good, does it? Now, you too will know - there is a better way. That way is Divorce Mediation.

It has been my experience that when people are going through a divorce, their primary feeling is one of being a victim - of the system, of their spouse, of the divorce attorneys, of life in general. That mindset always leads to anger, despair, misery, and hopelessness.
These negative feelings trickle down (sometimes they pour down), to their children, who are already having a hard enough time with their parents’ breakup. Or, if there are no children, to the parties’ friends and families. It can seem inescapable.

Divorce Mediation is an amazing, empowering alternative to the losing battle you will fight if you go to Divorce Court. I have seen people full of fear and anger transform before my very eyes into compassionate, hopeful, powerful, mature individuals through the Divorce Mediation process. Each time I see the light go on, when one or both of the divorcing parties gets it, I count the blessing of Divorce Mediation.

I don’t know if you ascribe to a higher purpose, but if you do, know that by participating in Divorce Mediation, you are helping to create a more peaceful world. Who will ever know just how much of a positive difference has been made when someone going through the divorce process comes home full of hope for the future, instead of coming home and kicking the dog, or worse yet, their kid?

If that’s just too airy-fairy a concept for you, let’s get right down to it. Here’s what’s in it for you: If you choose Divorce Mediation over fighting it out in Divorce Court, you will save yourself thousands of dollars and the psychological and medical damage that the stress of an out-of-control divorce will most certainly do to you.

So, are you ready to add Divorce Mediation to the list when you count your blessings? If so, you will be joining the ever-increasing ranks of those folks who are thinking about getting a divorce, planning for a divorce, in the divorce process or already divorced but still fighting, who have decided to take control of their lives and their divorces, and use the blessing of Divorce Mediation.

Here’s to YOU making the best of YOUR divorce!

Cynthia Tiano, Esq.
“The Mediator”