I just got through reading an article about a divorce custody fight, in one of the major local papers down here in South Florida. Even for a seasoned divorce lawyer turned divorce mediator, such as myself, it made me sick to see what can happen when the divorce process spins out of control.

In this divorce case, each of the parties hired the highest-powered, gun-slinging divorce lawyers that money could buy. The problem was, as it often is, that one of these people had a whole lot more money than the other. A divorce agreement, made between these parties after they got married, in the event they ever got divorced, stacked the deck against one of the parents.

For years they fought it out, up and down the court system, spending hundreds of thousands of dollars on legal fees.

The end result was that one of these parents had to pay the other parent so much money, as decided by the divorce court, that they actually became a fugitive from justice, totally preventing them from seeing their children! If they show their face, they will be thrown into jail.

Who is going to suffer here? Sure, one of these parents has been a winner, and one has been a loser in this divorce child custody fight. But any kid who can’t even see one of their parents because of a bitter divorce custody battle is the real loser.

I can’t help but wonder how different this family’s lives would look today if they used divorce mediation to resolve their legal problems, instead of the legal divorce process, which pits them against each other from the start. I’ll bet it would look a whole lot different.

Divorce mediation, also known as family mediation, is a relatively new phenomenon. It is an alternative to litigation that should be considered even before a divorce case is filed. Family mediation is a process in which divorcing spouses negotiate an acceptable divorce agreement with the help of a neutral third party — the Mediator. Mediation can help define the terms of the separation and is instrumental in developing interim agreements about finances, children, and living space.

People who are not familiar with the process, often have erroneous notions about what the process of divorce mediation is all about. Divorce mediation is alternative dispute resolution, not to be confused with marriage counseling; it is an alternative to fighting in court with your spouse through attorneys. Divorce mediation is probably the largest area of mediation practice at this time.

Child Visitation Issues

Frequently at stake are matters involving children, property, and finances, among other things. One issue often dealt with during mediation is child visitation. Child visitation laws are an integral part of the divorce process.

Child visitation is viewed as shared parenting time and is designed to optimize both parents’ time with the child. There are many ways to arrange a child visitation schedule. It is of paramount importance to consider how the child visitation will affect parties other than the parents, such as, grandparents, stepparents, and caretakers.

Divorce and Finances

Another important issue that is discussed in mediation is the issue of divorce finances. Finances are one of the leading points of contention in many marriages. This can often happen in families where one spouse controls the finances and gives the other spouse an “allowance”. The weaker party must have the willingness and ability to learn about finances. During the mediation, you will develop options for dividing assets and organizing finances.

Mediation is an affordable alternative to litigation that allows you to take control of your legal dispute without losing control of your finances.

Family mediation is less costly in time, money and emotional stress than litigation through the Courts. Unlike divorce litigation, divorce mediation is non-adversarial, designed to eliminate the win/lose atmosphere. It is a kinder and fairer way to divorce, helping parties obtain a divorce while maintaining their dignity and respect for each other. Divorce mediation is a way, perhaps the best way, to minimize both the emotional and financial impact of divorce.

Modern couples are using divorce mediation in increasing numbers, as they recognize that it is important to minimize the trauma of divorce for their own, and their children’s, well-being. Divorce mediation can result in winners all around, while divorce litigation usually results in everybody losing, one way or the other.

Think its a good idea to “battle it out” in court when you’re getting a divorce? “We’ll let the Judge decide” can be the most expensive words you ever utter. I’m not just talking about money here, although it will cost plenty to prove you are right. Don’t discount the heavy emotional and psychological toll going to divorce court will take on you and your family.

Here are some questions to ask before you hire a high-powered divorce lawyer to go to war:

• How can you keep from getting “screwed” in your divorce?
• How can you tell if your lawyer is working for you or for their own bank account?
• How can you get the divorce done without scarring your kids for life?
• Do you know why betting on a Judge’s decision can be worse than a bad night in Vegas?

A good Divorce Mediator can answer these questions for you, and more. It’s time for you to take control of your life, and your divorce. Work it out, from splitting your property, to figuring out divorce child custody - or pay the price!

Have you ever tried to figure out what the heck to do when you and your ex just can’t agree on an issue, before, during or after your divorce, and it keeps coming up over and over? Well, it will keep coming up until you both learn the lesson - that compromise can be a win-win.

When you are constantly at odds with your ex, it becomes habitual. You both want to win. But don’t you really know down deep inside that there is a better way?

Try this the next time you are polarized on an issue, whether it be over your divorce settlement, child visitation or the divorce laws, before you run off to your divorce attorneys, dig deep and see just how important this REALLY is to you. Then try to put yourself in your ex’s shoes - how important is it to them? If it isn’t a 10 or near a 10 to you, then be big and let them have their way. (It will also be interesting to note just how many things are a 10 to you.) This spirit of cooperation will open the doors to compromise as a way of dealing with each other.

Truthfully, wouldn’t you rather be happy than right? Talk about a win-win.

How long have you been fighting with your ex? Do you realize that when we fight we are acting like children? I’m right, no, I’m right. Isn’t it time for you to try something different? A new way for you and your ex to resolve disputes?

Well, there is a way to resolve disputes and reach a divorce agreement. Try divorce mediation.

You, and, more importantly, your kids, can’t afford for you to act like children. They need you as parents. They are scared about the uncertainty of the future. You have to pull it together and WORK together as a team to continue raising your kids. Together. Now more than ever.

So, for goodness’ sakes, stop fighting already. It’s not all so important. Your children are.

How are you getting along with your co-parent? Not so great? Well, its time to put down the magnifying glass, and pick up the mirror!

It’s simple to have an uncontested divorce, and to minimize the damage of the divorce process on your relationship with your co-parent. Here’s one way to get it on track. Ask yourself this question:

When was the last time you said “Thank You” to your co-parent? For being interested in seeing the children? For paying their child support? For anything at all?

Isn’t it just possible that you will get more of what you want, if you look for the positive, rather than what’s wrong, what’s missing, and ACKNOWLEDGE your co-parent for it? How different would your relationship be if you did this at the beginning of every conversation with them?

It’s your JOB to get along with your co-parent. It’s the LAW. Most importantly, it’s what’s BEST for your children’s mental, emotional, psychological and, yes, their medical well-being. We all know what stress does to us, don’t we?

So, save yourself a bunch of money on divorce lawyers, and give your family a break. The next time you see or speak with your co-parent, how about digging deep and finding something positive to say, something to thank them for? It’s EASY once you remember - it’s for the KIDS!

Try this effective method for breaking the cycle of conflict with your co-parent:

One evening each week, at a pre-designated. mutually agreed upon time, have a “Positive Co-Parenting Phone Call”. This is where one co-parent calls the other for the sole purpose of imparting some positive information regarding the children. Then the other parent gives some positive information about the children to the other parent. The next week, the other parent initiates the call.

A simple phone call to discuss something positive about your children. That’s it. Nothing else. It can be about anything at all. The only rule is that it must be positive. No problems or issues are to be discussed.

This technique will help you to change your paradigm regarding speaking with your co-parent as negative, and always about problems. You may find that you begin to actually look forward to these calls!

Remember, your children will be the beneficiaries of your improved relationship. Baby steps!!

One thing you always want to remember when interacting with your former spouse or co-parent is that there was a time when you cared for and respected this person. Try your hardest to draw on those positive feelings when creating your new and improved relationship with your co-parent.

Also, remember that this person is a “lifer” to you. That is, that they are probably going to be around for a long time, not just until your children reach the age of majority. You will be (hopefully) attending graduations, weddings and births, and other special events in your children’s lives. Isn’t it worth it to bury the hatchet? For your kids?

One of the biggest challenges to divorcing and divorced families is effectively co-parenting their children together. Usually, during these times, the communication is not at its best, and the parents have to make an extra special effort to work together for the benefit of their children.

One helpful tip is to always remember that your children love both of you, and it means everything to them to see that you are getting along. Children often feel guilty and responsible for a divorce, so the very best gift you can give them is to treat your co-parent with respect and dignity.

Every parent knows that a critical component in raising psychologically healthy children is for the parents to present a united front to their children. If they don’t, the children may play one parent against another in order to get their way. This is never so true as when the parents are getting a divorce, or are already divorced.